John Moore, Wicked Awesome Comedy Writer

A comedy writer for hire who writes comedy for comedians and stuff.
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Facts About Kim Jong-Un’s New Haircut

Icon of style and supreme leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (North Korea), Kim Jong-un seems to be sporting a new hairstyle along with semi-shaved eyebrows. It’s tough to get all the details, but here are some facts about the new style: 1. Kim’s barber is blind and has Parkinson’s. 2. Kim Jong-un consumes the entire country’s supply of mousse. 3. The new hairstyle makes him 4 inches taller. Kim, is now 5 feet 2 inches tall. 4. He shaved off half of each eyebrow when he suspected they were plotting against him. 5. The cut itself was inspired by the marionette of his father featured in the film Team America. 6. The aerodynamic cut helps him dunk when he plays basketball. 7. It’s obviously that nobody in North Korea is allowed to laugh at Kim Jong-un. 8. The carpet matches the drapes. 9. North Korean babies are fed the trimmings from his haircut for no good reason. 10. The new hairstyle is known simply as Party up Top, Business on the... read more

When Women Poop

As a man who likes the ladies, I have always been perplexed by the bathroom habits of women. Do women poop? Why does my girlfriend never seem to fart? When girls go to the bathroom together is it because they enjoy sharing the smell of feces? To my fellow bros out there, I am here to decode the woman poop mysteries that have perplexed you all these years. 1. Women do poo, it’s called a period. Look it up. 2. That strange smell in your girlfriend’s bathroom is called “product.” Nobody knows what it’s for. 3. Ladies fart glitter. 4. All female b-holes are completely hairless. 5. Women go the bathroom together to perform strange rituals and to laugh at the size of your penis. Sorry. 6. If your girlfriend has to pee a lot it’s because she’s hopped up on crank. 7. Women get cramps once a month from holding in their turds on dates. 8.¬†Eleanor Roosevelt was the longest running First Lady of The United States. She pooped a lot. 9. The song Drop it Like it’s Hot was a suggestion for excellent bowel health. 10. Women refer to pooping among themselves as, “throwing down some... read more

Drunk Woman Poops Her Pants

Oh man, I never grow tired of grown women shitting their pants. This woman has had a little too much to drink, and craps in her whit shorts. Hey Stacy! If you’re going to drink that much, wear dark... read more

Top Nostradamus Predictions For 2015

Michel de Nostredame, AKA Nostradamus, was a French, bug-eyed, cheese-eating, beardo who published a bunch of predictions. All of them have been 100% true. What did Monsieur pr√©diction-pantalon have to say about 2015? Here are his top predictions: 1. Kim Kardashian will find that she has nothing left to expose to the world. 2. There will be war, poverty, and famine – basically the same shit as every other year. 3. Men will continue to grow stupid beards, wear dumb hats, and listen to obscure bands on vinyl while drinking PBR and thinking they are being original. 4. Everybody gets raped by Bill Cosby. 5. You Jennifer Smith of Elm Street, Weehawken, NJ – I can see that. Cut it out. 6. A great comet will appear in the sky, some dummies will think it’s aliens. 7. The Pope will issue a bull requiring all good Catholics to Wang Chung tonight. 8. The 17th great grandchildren of the great Genghis Khan will be forced to manufacture iPhones for pitiful wages. 9. The Cubs will win the World Series. Ha, ha! Just kidding. 10. The king who rules from the red palace on the Volga river will continue to disparage homosexuals, while simultaneously flaunting homoerotic photos of himself riding a horse... read more

Top 10 Signs Your New Boyfriend is a Psycho Killer

Studies have shown that 97% of all new boyfriends are psychopathic serial killers, so how is a woman of your age and sanity to be sure. Here is a list of the top 10 signs that the man you’re dating has probably killed and will inevitably kill again: 1. He’s very nice to you. This is how crazy psychos get close to their victims. They get you to lower your guard and the next thing you know, your head’s in a freezer. 2. He likes to read a lot. It’s like that crazy bastard isn’t even interested in Duck Dynasty. 3. He’s asked to meet your parents. Clearly he wants to eliminate anyone who might ask questions after your disappearance. 4. He buys you gifts. They’e all poisoned. 5. He likes to cuddle. This is a clever way for serial killers to measure their victims for a shallow grave. 6. He likes your friends. Let’s face it, your friends are assholes and only a deeply sick person could stand being around them. 7. He’s a good listener. This is how killers gather intel. 8. He has a steady job he’s held down for years. What kind of asshole even does that? 9. He likes kids. Yeah, what stabby-strangler doesn’t? 10. He keeps talking about making a long-term commitment. Nothing is longer than... read more

2014 Regrets

As we look forward to 2015 with shiny New Year’s resolutions, champagne, and dread, we still have some unfinished business. Here are the top things about 2014 that you’ll regret: 1. Never learning to read, which is why I can call you an illiterate bastard here with no worries. 2. Wasting a lot of money eating dinner with the family instead of taking advantage of the free buffet at the strip-club. 3. Paying your taxes you stupid sheeple. 4. Spending so much time getting stabbed in the gooch. 5. Not buying that Jet-Ski even though you live above the Arctic Circle. 6. Taking that hot cocoa from Bill Cosby. 7. Using condoms, STDs are for wimps! 8. Shaving your taint, and now you can’t stop. 9. Not getting to know that neighbor with the pile of bloody knives who’s always burying stuff in his back yard. 10. Not calling Gran-Gran enough, after all – that’s why you had the phone installed in her... read more

Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions for 2015

The New Year is upon us and many people will be making resolutions this year that, deep-down, they have no intention of keeping. You’re no different than anybody else and you’re going to fail too, and we’re all going to laugh at you. Need a few ideas for New Year’s resolutions? Here are some of the most popular being made this year: 1. Stop drinking. And not just alcohol, all liquids. 2. Lose about 8 pounds by finally having that second head removed. 3. Learn how to ski on a mountain of cocaine. 4. Get wealthy by investing in North Korean stocks. 5. Bring tyranny to its knees and, hey, while it’s down there … 6. Make amends with Grandma. As she is dead, you’ll either have to revivify her or die yourself and have chosen the correct religious beliefs. 7. Do more Charity work. Charity is that dancer with the C-section scar down at the Boom-Boom Room. 8. De-clutter the house using an accelerant and a butane lighter. 9. Finally find the romance you deserve by hooking up with another asshole. 10. Find inner peace or some... read more

Top 10 Things You Don’t Know About Kim Jong-Un

Sony Pictures has scrapped the release of the movie The Interview due to hacks and terrorist threats allegedly from North Korea. The People’s Democratic Republic of Korea (North Korea) has been thrust into the spotlight like an unsolicited dick pic emailed by your uncle. Many people have questions about the weirdo running Asia’s hot mess, so I put together some things you probably don’t know about Kim Jong-un. 1. Jong-un is Korean for “that kid you never choose when picking teams for any kind of sports.” 2. Kim John-un is North Korea’s biggest hip hop star in terms of album sales and girth. 3. He was not born but hatched in a lab after his father, Kim Jong-il, became sterile from years of dry-humping a nuclear reactor. 4. He may have executed his ex-girlfriend, his uncle, and a guy who was taking too long in front of him at the buffet line. 5. Kim is considered the Dear Leader of the people of North Korea which is actually a sarcastic way of referring to a complete bastard there. 6. He hates the Pacific ocean which is why all his missile tests slam straight into the water. 7. That haircut of his is no accident. The North Korean military can use the sides of his head to deflect RADAR. 8. His favorite My Little Pony is Pinkie Pie, but if he ever gets his hands on Rainbow Dash, he’ll have her executed immediately. 9. His junk is so small, technically it’s an “innie.” 10. He made out a little with Dennis... read more

Russian Crap You Can Get Cheap Now Their Economy Is In The Dumper

The Russian economy has taken a huge shit as oil prices have dropped like a drunk off a party-barge. The ruble has gone down faster than your Mom, and nobody knows what the Kremlin will do about it. As a Westerner with fluffy green currency you’re in a unique position to take advantage of the currency fluctuation and pick up some some bargains from Mother Russia. You’ll have to act fast, as quantities are limited. Here’s just a smattering of of deals you can grab: 1. Property in Chernobyl – well yes, it’s been cheap for a long time, but now it’s a super-great deal. 2. Half Naked Bareback-Horsey Rides Around Red Square With Putin – for men only. 3. A Suitcase Full of Polonium Vials – imagine the pranks you could pull. 4. Matryoshka Dolls Full Of Vodka – Why not combine a couple of cultural stereotypes and grab yourself some nesting dolls full of potato booze? 5. MiG Skywriting – Thinking of popping the question with a grand romantic gesture? For the price of fuel and a couple of rolls of toilet-paper, you can get a Russian fighter pilot to invade U.S. Airspace and write your proposal at Mach 2.25. 6. A Couple of Cossacks – Hire out these guys for a song just to stand around wearing big fuzzy hats. They’re so cute, but no pinching their cheeks. 7. Russian Dash-Cam Videos – VHS only 8. Beluga Caviar – Sure the stuff tastes like salty tapioca, but at this price you’ll be putting it on your kids sandwiches. 9. Lenin’s Preserved Corpse – Truck this deal... read more

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