As we look forward to 2015 with shiny New Year’s resolutions, champagne, and dread, we still have some unfinished business. Here are the top things about 2014 that you’ll regret:
1. Never learning to read, which is why I can call you an illiterate bastard here with no worries.
2. Wasting a lot of money eating dinner with the family instead of taking advantage of the free buffet at the strip-club.
3. Paying your taxes you stupid sheeple.
4. Spending so much time getting stabbed in the gooch.
5. Not buying that Jet-Ski even though you live above the Arctic Circle.
6. Taking that hot cocoa from Bill Cosby.
7. Using condoms, STDs are for wimps!
8. Shaving your taint, and now you can’t stop.
9. Not getting to know that neighbor with the pile of bloody knives who’s always burying stuff in his back yard.
10. Not calling Gran-Gran enough, after all – that’s why you had the phone installed in her coffin.