Ninja Cough Syrup

Ninjas get colds too The ninja, silent shinobi warriors of ancient Japan were renowned for their skills in stealth, espionage, and warfare. But, how was one to stay stealthy if one was bothered by a seasonal cold? A cough or a sneeze could instantly give away an otherwise stealthy ninja’s position to an alert samurai.

The discovery of a an ancient scroll in my grandfather’s bathroom has given me the answer. The ninja had a number of techniques and remedies for suppressing coughs. They follow:

The Ninja Cold Remedy Scroll

1. Before a mission, the shadow warrior should take a powerful laxative. It will not cure the cold, but you will be afraid to cough.

2. Swallow a couple of throwing stars, this will puncture the lungs and let out the evil spirits.

3. If you’re on a group mission and a samurai hears you cough, pull down your pants immediately and pretend you’re getting a hernia exam.

4. Snort some of that blinding powder. Good stuff, right?

5. For post-nasal drip, take your Tekagi-Shuko (climbing spikes) and plug up your nose. This is going to hurt like hell, but it will give all your friends a good laugh. Morale is important to a mission.

6. Go down to your local Walgreen’s, they have a fine selection of cough suppressants.

7. You’re a goddamned ninja, man-up Chuckles!

8. Have you tried sneaking up on the cold and strangling it with a garrote of some kind? I’ve heard that works.

9. Use your secret mind-power breathing exercises, if we haven’t taught you those yet – sorry, you’re fucked.

10. Boil the bark of a yew tree, now pour all that mess out and throw down a couple of bottles of single-malt whiskey. You’re all set now warrior!

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