The ninja, silent shinobi warriors of ancient Japan were renowned for their skills in stealth, espionage, and warfare. But, how was one to stay stealthy if one was bothered by a seasonal cold? A cough or a sneeze could instantly give away an otherwise stealthy ninja’s position to an alert samurai.
The discovery of a an ancient scroll in my grandfather’s bathroom has given me the answer. The ninja had a number of techniques and remedies for suppressing coughs. They follow:
The Ninja Cold Remedy Scroll
1. Before a mission, the shadow warrior should take a powerful laxative. It will not cure the cold, but you will be afraid to cough.
2. Swallow a couple of throwing stars, this will puncture the lungs and let out the evil spirits.
3. If you’re on a group mission and a samurai hears you cough, pull down your pants immediately and pretend you’re getting a hernia exam.
4. Snort some of that blinding powder. Good stuff, right?
5. For post-nasal drip, take your Tekagi-Shuko (climbing spikes) and plug up your nose. This is going to hurt like hell, but it will give all your friends a good laugh. Morale is important to a mission.
6. Go down to your local Walgreen’s, they have a fine selection of cough suppressants.
7. You’re a goddamned ninja, man-up Chuckles!
8. Have you tried sneaking up on the cold and strangling it with a garrote of some kind? I’ve heard that works.
9. Use your secret mind-power breathing exercises, if we haven’t taught you those yet – sorry, you’re fucked.
10. Boil the bark of a yew tree, now pour all that mess out and throw down a couple of bottles of single-malt whiskey. You’re all set now warrior!