The New Year is upon us and many people will be making resolutions this year that, deep-down, they have no intention of keeping. You’re no different than anybody else and you’re going to fail too, and we’re all going to laugh at you. Need a few ideas for New Year’s resolutions? Here are some of the most popular being made this year:
1. Stop drinking. And not just alcohol, all liquids.
2. Lose about 8 pounds by finally having that second head removed.
3. Learn how to ski on a mountain of cocaine.
4. Get wealthy by investing in North Korean stocks.
5. Bring tyranny to its knees and, hey, while it’s down there …
6. Make amends with Grandma. As she is dead, you’ll either have to revivify her or die yourself and have chosen the correct religious beliefs.
7. Do more Charity work. Charity is that dancer with the C-section scar down at the Boom-Boom Room.
8. De-clutter the house using an accelerant and a butane lighter.
9. Finally find the romance you deserve by hooking up with another asshole.
10. Find inner peace or some shit.